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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Whacky Wednesday: The Prancers, Pidgin Tippy Toers, Stiltworkers, Booty Levelers, and Swagga Daggas

Alright ladies and gentlemen, the time is now to visualize and realize who can and cannot wear high heels. I am sick of going out to parties, extravagent events, concerts, clubs, and anywhere that "non-heelers" reside. Non-heelers simply referring to the individuals who ATTEMPT to wear heels out to parties but fail due to their lack in ability to wear the heels all night, look good when they wear the heels, choose the wrong size of heel to wear due to their height, maybe thought the line into the club wasnt going to be as big as it was, or whatever else, the list goes but definitely all of the above! I will gladly categorize these individuals down below in my very own lovely way of pointing them out the next time you see them.

Prancers
Have you ever watched horses in a march or festival prancing around like they are the stuff? It looks really cool right? They trot flipping their hooves like the cockiest creatures on the planet while flexing their muscles with complete and utter ease as though they already know why people want to ride them around. Even better, people put nice little horse shoes on them with ribbons, flowers, wreaths, anything that will make these beautiful animals look more beautiful. They are fun to ride but never get them angry, they will surely throw you off, or kick you, or even screw you over if you give them the chance, seriously. The act of these creatures and their prancing is a marvelous site and I guess people love it enough to try and mimick it whenever they decide to come off as though they are the cockiest creatures to ever walk the planet of the earth.

The women that decide to prance in heels must think their muscles and assets are too good to display without looking like complete fools by shifting their hips and weight above their legs as though they are literally trying to prance like horse gracefully do. The issue with this is... women do not look attractive prancing. The prancers walk with their heads up high but their 'hooves' clicking like they are attempting to win a tap dancing competition. Ladies, if this reminds you of your disabilities in heels, please sell all your heels to horses so they and try them on and show you how to work it in the sexy.

Pidging Tippy Toers
Do you watch ballet? Have you ever noticed how great ballet dancers have the amazing ability to tippy toe on their feet faster than most people can shift their feet? These acts are meant to be displayed on a stage, not on a Saturday night outside of Club Rub from a female trying to run, at least she looks like she is trying to run, into the club. I get worried because it almost looks as though she is about to faceplant on each step.These women most likely end up in walkers by the time they are 35 from the denial of not being able to walk correctly in pumps. Wait a minute... arent pumps for strippers anyway? I think this may be where the problem lies. Ladies, its not about the height of the heel you can stand in, its all about the swagger in the woman that can pull off a high heel. Like professional sports, it is not meant for everybody to go hard in the paint. I am sorry to say it.

Booty Levelers
Alright now, I am going to ask you all a question. This question applies to all races, shapes, colors, ideas, genders, ages, and yes, even babies. You may see them walking from a distance... they look as though the weight in their hips are literally making them dance as they walk. As they get closer, you realize, its a woman. You realize this woman may unknowingly cause her rear end to crash into you like an asteroid hitting earth and launch you into the future. Its ok though, this wont happen. If your lucky, you may walk by without thinking, "Whoa..." Most people have to take a second look to understand what they have just witnessed. Most people wonder if they could have that power with their body when they walk by people. Others forget it even happened and move on with their lives. All in all, the weight shifting of these women causes their glutes to get much attention to the natives from its presence. Although these Booty Levelers cause attention with their actions, they dont have that spark. What spark do I speak of you ask? The aura of a womanizer. The breath of an ice queen. The look of a black panther ready to pounce on anything that gets in their way. Who has these features you ask? Keep reading and you may find out.

Swagga Daggas
Need I say more. Since I feel you read enough. Enjoy pictures of beautiful women that know how to strut their stuff with attitude and praise when they need to without looking like a fool and filling a room with their swag....SWAG! I would have been more... umm... diverse with my findings but this is all I found in the last 15 minutes. Enjoy.

Complete stability. Flawless pleasure in the pain of it all. A hint of confidence.

If you  can balance on one leg like this, please let me know. It does not and should not go unnoticed. Swagger.

Alright, yes its Jennifer Aniston. That's not the point. Do you see the aura? Do you not feel the swag in this picture? Do you not get sucked in by her confidence, beauty, booty leveling swagger?

Wild Thought: If the shoe fits, wear it. If the heel hurts, spare it.

1 comment:

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